Interview with My Imposter - Part 2

Before I start the interview I want to point to two things.

First, the line of questioning I’m using to interview my ‘imposter’ is very much following a pattern I’ve learned through the Internal Family Systems (IFS) framework - both therapist led and self led.

Second, the example here is not intended to model a good example of IFS work, for starters IFS work often leaves space for parts to breathe and feel into what is, here I have 15 minutes so I’m forcing things more than a little (I’m also going to be leaning heavily on the mind - which I’d usually ask to take a back seat). These are patterns that I’ve internalised but not mastered in any way. If you are looking for ways of doing this work that are more faithful to the framework then I recommend Self Therapy by Jay Earley (or anything by Richard Schwartz).

Okay - so as long as you understand the constraints here, enjoy and I hope it sparks you own inner exploration and adventures and discovery of strange peace, stubborn joy and deep energy.

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Me: Just checking in - you good for round two?

Imposter: I’m glad I’ve got you while you are low - I mean you can barely organise Christmas, how can you have anything valuable to say? Sorry - that’s a bit much isn’t it - I’m good to go.

Me: Last time you mentioned how hard you were working and that you needed me to take something off your hands. Can we start there? Can you tell me more?

Imposter: Sure, that makes sense.
So, I’m not here constantly making noise about how inadequate you are just for fun, I don’t actually want to be here. I’m only doing it because you need it.

Me: Okay - expand on the need it bit.

Imposter: Well there is this huge problem.

Here’s half the problem - You need to be connected to not die and to be connected you need to behave in ways that others approve of.
Other half - You - you are different - divergent, ill fitting. You both want approval but also you don’t care. You wish you could be connected and be you but early on that was just causing a world of pain and distress. That’s when I stepped in, actually there were a couple of us.

Me: Okay - tell me about stepping in. What does that mean?

Imposter: Well we came up with a plan - to be honest I don’t want to tell you about it. We had a name for it - it’s a really bad name, it’s really sounds worse than it is. Okay -I’ll just say it - we called it ‘Drug the Baby’. Normally we would just call it calm the baby, or numb the baby - but you were kinda intense.

Me: Okay - yep - I can see why you didn’t want to tell me, but I do get you were helping. Can you tell me more?

Imposter: Well we just wanted to end the distress and the best way to do that was to convince you to seek approval - to work out what the path of approval was and to turn yourself into whatever shape that was.

My particular job was to make sure you never got ideas about going back to being you - that’s why whenever you get close to it I start making noise, I start undermining you.
Me: So is approval the drug?

Imposter: We hoped it would be but you didn’t really take to it, so we got you hooked on your own mind - as long as you were living mostly in your head everything was safe. You could fit in on the outside and be you on the inside.

You are pretty stubborn about trying to be more you though. It’s been a lot. You are constantly chipping away at it.

Me: Okay - so what terrible thing happens if I become more me - like all the way, not just a little bit.

Imposter: Disconnection and rejection - like you finally find out that you don’t belong and you are permanently placed beyond the edge of belonging of connection and one-anotherness.

Me: Okay - times up - first - thanks for all the hard work - I know you are just trying to protect me. Second, I’m wondering if what you are scared of is actually still true - can I give you an update? Maybe being different is an important thing - an advantage even.

Imposter: I’m open to it - this is pretty tiring, if there’s a way out I’d love to know.